As I am sitting here writing these words that are now appearing on your screen or device or however you are reading this, just know I should be studying. Because accounting is no joke and Procrastination Nina has decided to try and learn three full accounting chapters in ONE. NIGHT. What the heck. You don’t have to say it… I’m never going to do this again. Until the next test.
And as I sit here about to have a huge freakout because I have a dumb accounting test to study for (I mean, do I look like an accountant?? I barely know how to properly give back change when I’m working concessions stands!!!!). But I wish that is the only thing my mind has to worry about. I also have a wedding to plan, I have to make sure my fiancé feels loved and valued, I have to invest in relationships and friendships, I have to go on multiple double dates because I just really love people and couples, I have to manage social media pages, I have to lead a group, oh yeah and I also have to find time to worship the Lord ALL WHILE trying to find time to sleep and eat and you know all the necessary things I have to do so I DON’T DIE. Wow. That huge run on sentence is my life right now and sometimes it’s overwhelming. Like majorly overwhelming. As in, most days I make a really long list of things I have to do… and then I take a really long nap and forget all the things I have to do.. until it’s the night before the test and WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE.
In the middle of all of this craziness, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I’m not talking about shedding a few tears and wiping them away. I’m talking straight up ugly crying in my bed and making those weird heaving sounds that really hurt but I just can’t stop. Let’s be honest, though. I don’t have time for those kinds of melt downs. Right now, all I can afford is a quick couple of tears. Maybe even a fast look through Facebook (if I’m feeling scandalous…) and then I’m back at it. I don’t have time to cry. I don’t have time to freak out. Jesus didn’t freak out when the world was crashing around Him. He handled it like a boss and raised Lazarus from the dead. I don’t got time for a break down… I have to focus on raising people from the dead! (And by people I mean my poor little accounting grade…)
Jesus definitely did raise Lazarus from the dead and He definitely did handle it all like a boss. But you know what He did right before that? He wept. That’s right Jesus (THE JESUS) had a little meltdown because right before Him laid His friend. Dead. And it was sad, and for a minute, Jesus let Himself feel those very real, raw, human emotions. Because it wasn’t something that should have been disregarded or swept under the rug. It was important to feel those emotions. To let them out and let them be known. And then of course, He raised Lazarus from the dead and all was good. But, friends, let’s not surpass the emotion.
As I’m sitting here writing a million notecards and creating a mass list of all my responsibilities, God whispered to my soul and nestled up close to my heart. And those two words sank deep down into the meltdown parts of my soul. Jesus wept. And then, guess what happened? Nina wept. At that very moment, I could see so clearly what God’s love was.
And right then, I unleashed the anger I had. The fear. The insecurities. The sadness. All of it came pouring out of my heart into God’s steady hands. Did you know that we have been looking for houses and have put offers on so many different places and have been turned down at every turn? Yeah, God. I’m mad about that. Do you want us to live in an apartment for the rest of our lives?? Did you know that I am terrified of getting married? I’m so scared. I have no idea how I am even going to be a good wife. What does that even mean?? If it means being able to cook a million things and keeping a clean house, you got the wrong girl, God. My car currently has 20 empty water bottles on the floor board and a collection of empty drive thru bags. I really don’t know what you expect of me.
And you know what happened? God listened. He listened to my angry thoughts. He listened to how I thought it was totally unfair that we haven’t gotten a cute little house yet. He listened when I told Him that I don’t think it’s a good idea to use the word ‘submit’ when it comes to wives. I mean, do I really have to submit? Like what if Eric wants something dumb like Jason’s Deli when obviously the better choice is Chilis? He listened and heard me when I vented about how accounting should not be a subject in college unless you’re really good at numbers. And then after I was done, God tenderly lifted my eyes to Him and said I feel you. Imagine that. You just poured your heart out to the Lord, and He whispered, I feel you, dog.
But in all seriousness, He does. He’s been there. Jesus might not have walked through the exact situations we face today, but He understands those feelings. He’s felt betrayal. He knows what grief looks like. He even has questioned His destiny. Imagine this:
Jesus: Really? I have to die on the cross for all of these people? Are you sure that is the only way?
And you know what Jesus did in those moments of fear and uncertainty? He spent time with His father. He knew what His father’s voice sounded like and in those moments, He regained His strength and certainty and pressed on.
I guess what I am saying to you all right now is don’t be so afraid to show emotion. You are not meant to do it alone. Have a mental breakdown… or two. Give all of your worries to God and let Him relieve those heavy burdens that have been weighing on your heart. I promise He can handle it. But, this is the most important part: don’t dwell on it. Don’t give up those burdens and then take them back on the next day. Leave them at the foot of cross and let the Lord replenish your weary soul. You can do it, friend. I believe in you. Jesus is on your side.